I didn't realize how long it had been since I had a mind dump on this thing. Things maybe are not feeling so up in the air now that I have gotten more lose ends tied up. I am finding that when I think of Shawn it has it's ups and downs. Some days I just miss the smart ass comments, like rather be a smart ass than a dumb ass, or love you mean it. The don't have the same flavor or vibe that they use too. I think that is part and parcel of losing someone is that those things that made your relationship unique to you is gone and that is just one more stage in the grief process.
Also I am finding more and more of who I use to be. This happy person most of the time, that is willing to lend that hand up or out. Yet finding my boundaries is still hard. Also I hate that I have memory loses, like I just completely forget something until it is too late or really crucial that I handle it now. I feel like chunks of my brain are just not firing on the right synaptics. For example I love going to help out with dog training, and last week my normal schedule got messed up cause I was doing stuff for kids and just completely spaced a whole training session. It doesn't matter if I put these things in my calendar, or if I write them down, or go over my to do list at night and in the morning I just completely blank out. It is almost if my brain has found it's own version of being numb to things I can't control or something.
I think one of the things I have been so lucky about though is my friends. I had one text me when she found out I had almost dealt with the whole VA system and got that burden off my back, she just reminded me that this whole thing is a process. That some days you will seem like you are in another world, another version of reality, and others you still wake up wondering if it was all a dream. Then I had another who has just been amazing, it was funny cause we originally hated each other. I am not sure if that was because we didn't think the other understood our suffering from fibro, or because we had both been through a lot in our young lives when we met that we didn't think the other could fathom or understand. However now he is like family, he has been there when I only expected family to have my back, surprised me in making sure he found time to be in my life. He visited the other day just drove to see me and my family, to check in on us. It was nice to get to come out of my cave and enjoy life without feeling I had to have a smile plastered on my face so others didn't say hey you okay.
I finally felt confident enough to take a couple stands for myself too. I am not sure if I have just had that buried for so long I forgot how to use it or if this has truly made me stronger. When I think about who I am now that always pops in my head what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, and as Devon likes to remind me it will all be okay in the end. Anyway I stood up for something I believe when it comes to helping vets and helping train the dogs to provide them service. I have seen so many systems fail on them that I don't want this to be another failure, so my belief is set them up for success by creating a stronger model, and I think I made my point, I may not have been agreed with but it felt great to not be afraid to share my views.
Also I stood up to my rental company, they keep harassing me about every little thing I do. I had to take down the trampoline I got the kids for Christmas just because they weren't going to let me have any form of enjoyment on my property...the landlord claims her insurance wouldn't cover the liability, and she wouldn't let me get a rider on mine. Anyway they insisted they needed yet another inspection, I think this is four now since the beginning of the year, so we made sure the house was as clean as I felt was reasonable. Cause you know losing a loved one does not mean your house shouldn't look picture perfect at all times. Anyway I digress, so she came and inspected. I was then called in the middle of a parenting class, where I tried to tell her it wasn't a good time, but no she needed to tell me how important her call was and what I needed to do to make the property fit their model. First I needed to wash my front door, you see the girls thought hey this paint is washable and feels like chalk board lets make some pictures on it. The rental company felt that looked inappropriate, so we had to wash it off. I figured okay I will wash what I think looks bad, but I left up the signatures of my family that have visited. Also she insisted that I let her do another inspection where I would leave my garage unlocked, (it is not attached to the house) so she could come and look at it. First of all my garage is being used as a storage unit where everything we couldn't fit in here is stored, second it is where Shawn spent his alone time, whenever I couldn't find him in the house I knew he was out there writing down thoughts, listening to music, or just reflecting. Every time I open that door memories rush in, and I expect to look around the corner and see Shawn writing something down. Finally we have had a lot of homeless in the area as of late, I am not leaving my garage unlocked for some random amount of time just so I can schedule her in for an inspection, where during that time someone could break in. So I told her to stick it for lack of better term, because honestly she doesn't need to be in there. I also told her I hope that if she ever has a major life altering thing happen that someone has more compassion, understanding, sympathy and empathy than she has shown me in the last seven months from her company and the landlord. I also stood up them and said stop harassing me or I will take legal action.
So all and all each day brings it's own set of challenges, a new relationship, new understandings of my kids, new realizations about myself. Hopefully this memory thing will get better, but I am still taking it one day at a time.
