Wow today hits the nine months mark. It seems like a lifetime ago some days, some days it seems like it seems like it is all a dream I am waiting to wake up from and others it seems like it was just yesterday.
Having his headstone up makes things seem so much more real. However it seems so perfect for him that I can't help but be proud of it. I hate that I have to move and not be able to see him when I want to. I know he is always in my heart, but there are days I just want to go lay on him and talk to him and it almost seems like he is near enough to hear me and feel me. Reassure me and make me feel like I am succeeding at doing this on my own.
This last month has brought so many ups and downs. So many things to light for me that I don't even recognize the person I see in the mirror half the time. I had this encounter the other day that effected me more than I probably should have let it. It involved a vet who is suffering from PTSD and he says to me that I have no clue what it is like to fight the battle of trying not to swallow a bullet every day. Of all the things he said to me that day, good bad, and just plan stupid, this comment stuck with me. So I spent the last few days figuring out why. Spoke with friends, family, therapist, why was this sticking with me. Was it cause I felt dismissed over the fact that he had no idea what my demons are and what I have been through. Was it because losing Shawn was what made me realize that I could climb out of that dark pit, and never again would I look down there, that I may have thought I wasn't worth it, that the bottle of pills, or the knife seemed such the easy way, but that losing Shawn the way I did made me see the fall out. That I am stronger than all of that. Also it made me think about this guy, that he was such a coward that he needed to feel better by yelling at me, that telling me that I couldn't understand. I realized how much I have grown, how much strength I have found in myself, that I could let a combat vet yell at me and all I came away from it was wow he is a coward, that he lets his demons control him so much that he feels better telling a widow of a man who died from his PTSD, a widow who has her own battles that she doesn't understand. Part of me wanted to help him but if he beats his battle, he is going to look back on this and be ashamed and I hope he learns from it.
Then there is the fact that we are going to be homeless for a time. Part of me is glad to leave this house, to leave the memories I never wanted to deal with. I never wanted to move back in this house, but we where left with no choice. I have gone through and asked the kids if they want to take any pictures or have any videos and none of them do. The memories they want to take are only the ones they want in there mind, or that we already have. I know how hard it was for them to move back in here. We had a bone fire the other day, burning some things that had bittersweet memories, and I think in someway it was a great time had by all. We got to beat up the chicken coop and the rabbit coop, and some other things that had bad memories before we burned them. The funny thing is we got the fire department called on us, not sure if it was nosy neighbors, or just concerned citizens, but they where so nice and friendly. Just told us to only burn wood and to keep the hose near by. They were like too bad we can't come roast hot dogs with you. It was kind of awkward to have the big engine roll down our street.
Then there is moving, Devon is ready to spread his wings, and wants to stay here. I am not ready to say goodbye to him again but I know it is his time. I am so proud of him and I know Shawn would be too. He is growing into such an amazing young boy. I see his strengths coming out every day, that he just needed his time to process everything he has had to go through.
I think the hardest parts of all of this the last few weeks is saying goodbye to the memories of the house, and packing up the things still lingering of Shawn. I am lucky in the fact that I get to have a moving company pack up most of those, but that doesn't make it easier. Also I forgot about the anniversary coming up on the 23rd, it is the anniversary of when we got married for the families, it also signifies the first time we said we loved each other, but we would always forget till like the next day.
I have also realized that I haven't forgotten who I am. The person I am is still here. That my empathy and love for others is still there. However I have found I can speak my voice and not worry about what others think about me. That I can't care about what others think. That the ones that matter are my kids. If I am happy and they are happy that is what is important. That I need to fight my fight's, that Shawn would try and do that for me, but he is gone, so if it is something that I want to stand up for then I do. If it isn't worth it then I don't. I don't have time in this life to stress about things that I can't change. That dna doesn't make family, and friends and family are the ones you can count on. That it doesn't get easier but it does get better
