Wow either time really flies, or it seems to stand still. The 18 month mark came and went last Saturday in a whirlwind of time so quick that I forgot that milestone was even coming, then as I saw my 20 year old's birthday approaching a few days later I thought to myself wow this is a 2nd, a 2nd birthday we have passed without Shawn. It is funny that in grief we mark these milestones like we do children, oh yes my baby he is a year, or he is 18 months, but in grief we pat ourselves on the back and say we made it to another milestone stronger, wiser and less scared of what the future is going to bring. A little less bleak about what yesterday was, about what tomorrow brings.
I know it has been some time since I have written on here, my goal was to update this more, as a way to share my journey with others struggling to make sense of there own loss, to make them feel less alone. I got lost somewhere in the last 8 months on my own personal journey, in my own personal healing. In losing Shawn I finally had to take time to look at myself, always I have had someone by my side that I was being a wife and mother too when branching out on my own, first Curt and then Shawn. However for the first time I only had to be a mother, I didn't have to worry about someone coming home and having dinner ready, or adjusting my schedule to make time for them, compromising on ideas or thoughts on anything for any reason. At first it was freeing and almost overwhelming, I guess it felt like a superhero with all these powers, and not know where to start.
I could discipline the children how I wanted to. I could make for dinner what I wanted even if it was cereal, I had no one but the children to answer to and as long as we all were happy on the outside that would be all that mattered right. However I also needed to dig deeper, I needed to figure out why having that life partner was always so important to me. I needed to find a way to get past my stages of grief in order to not only help myself heal but help my children heal. I needed to find ways to use my strengths but not let them become my weakness. I also needed to learn to stop behaviors that lead to heartbreak in the past because I didn't have time for that anymore.
In some ways this cataclysm that befell my life 18 months ago made me feel like I would never be able to go on. That my person I dedicated my life to, planned a future with made it impossible to see any outcome that would be successful, but in this God had a plan. I have found the difference between people who really meant what they said when they said hey if you need anything just call, and those who were doing it out of guilt or platitudes. Also it is hard when you see others pick up their lives after your's is completely changed and just go on, and when they see you they expect you to just be okay, and when you are not that look of uncomfortableness that passes over their eyes makes you realize that this is one of those people you just can't be around they have never had their life shattered around them. One day they will and they will get it and then be there for them, but until then just keep them in that compartment of fair weather friends. Then you have those people who claim to care but they have ulterior motives, where they use your loss as a way to contact you, but they really want something else, I think those bother me the most. However this has all been part of my growing is learning there really are some people out there who don't have a good heart.
That hurts the most, I have so much love to give and yet I have found even though I love this little town I have moved too, and I love my house where I can see deer on a daily basis I stay in my house most days. Even though I have found all this healing in myself I don't want to put myself on the line to get hurt anymore, not right now. I have had to cut so many people out of my life in the last year and half that I just don't want to put myself out there to be hurt again. I am still trying to get through helping myself and the kids heal. That is another topic for another day, the kids.
Back to me though, the hardest part for me to get through was the abandonment I felt from Shawn loss. I was so angry with him cause he knew how much I had abandonment issues and yet he still left me. Yet through personal growth and acceptance of his death I began to see he didn't leave his purpose on this earth was completed and God needed him back. I had to struggle really hard with that one, it took me many years to be okay with God when my brother passed but when I was I realized it was Kevin's time. So I sat there one day and thought really hard about it, and if Kevin's death was because it was Kevin's time how was Shawn's any different. Yes the method was such a ugly way, but if I believed when it was your time it was your time did it matter how you passed from this earth onto the next life. Then I started really thinking about it, and it brought me into acceptance of Shawn, I don't like the way God choose to take his soul back but he had done what he was sent here to do. I believe we all have a purpose and when that is served we are welcomed back into his arms.
So I sit here today sharing parts of my personal journey in hopes that it will help others, will let some know that I am okay. Stronger maybe for what I am going through. Maybe let someone know they aren't alone in their struggle, and I plan to be more active on this thing. This sharing this writing it is cathartic and even if I am the only one who reads it, it helps me keep myself grounded.
