So as I sit here three and a half years after losing Shawn and think about all the time I have missed him and yet I have found happiness and peace. It at times makes me feel guilty because we all miss him some days much more than others. Especially when we know he would get that amazingly Inappropriate joke and just laugh about it from deep in his belly. Or the times he would do sweet things just because. However we have all found a way to be at peace with him not being here everyday.
What I still struggle with is those random situations he just understood about me and I him that we didn't have to explain to each other it just made sense to us both.
Parent hood is still hard. It is much harder than it was When he was here but I plug through somehow I don't do well with things still that don't effect my roof. I am trying to be a friend and be supportive but it is much hander than it use to be not to be judgemental. I see people caught up in these problems that are sad and effect there lives but all I can +hink is if no one died you have so much to be grateful for. Yes life is hard and never fair but to stop living and panic about what's next seems so sad when there is so many things I have found to keep you wanting to be happy your alive.
The promises of spring. The love and innocence of your children when they are happy to see you. A new love. A puppy and their love and devotion to their masters. the safety and animal feels when it wakes up from a bad dream to its owner. Blue skies rainbows pictures drawn by your kids. The list goes on. I will admit my smiles and laughs one deeper more internal that they are mending my soul but I am still much happier in most cases than I was there towards the end.
I heard something the other day and it comes with the guilt stage. When you first hear about someone passing who has pushed you to your max you feel releaved then you feel instant guilt for feeling it because you think your a bad person. I never put it in perspective like that but that is how it felt at times. I am so happy he finally found peace
