Well this started off in my mind about Kevin, his birthday was on Sunday, he would have hit the big 40, which means I am not far off from that either. Oh he would have had fun picking on me for getting older, doesn't matter he was older than me, just the fact that his baby sister was aging. I think back through the years and realize wow I have been on this earth longer without him than I was with him. Yet I can't remember a memory as a child without him doing something zany or mean or goofy. My best stories or memories had him in them. Even the ones that I wasn't even a part of. It is sad though I can picture in my mind his "We going to sizzlers" just like I am sure any of you who remember him had a favorite phrase, oh who could forget "Fuzzy" Or the fact that he had so many clothes you either thought he was gay, or in today's terms metro-sexual, but anyone who knew him knew he was in no way gay, he just loved looking stylish. I don't know many 18 year old's who have designer one of a kind ties. I remember how excited he was when Steph gave him his signed Jerry Garcia tie, and when he saved up enough money to get his one of a kind Bugs Bunny one with the cartoon cell that went with it.
I remember these things. I miss remembering what his voice and his laugh sounded like. I do get the privileged of seeing him in my son, Morgan looks so much like him it makes my heart soar. As his birthday passed this year it was amazing still to see how many lives he impacted still. For that I thank my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles. I was so lucky to be raised by my family that my mom and dad tried to leave us with them whenever they could. They showed us what it was to stand by our morals, to stick up for those we called friends, that if we took the time to call someone a friend then they were more than just a person in our life they were like family. That if we could we would do what was in our power to help them when needed. We learned the difference from acquaintance and friend. To this day I live that way, and I know Kevin lived that way until he died. I had people tell me that Kevin showed them what it meant to be a friend. To this day I have people in my life that I would say are my forever friends, and people I have met along my journey of life, some in the military that have been bonded to me through the brother/sister hood of that, who truly understand as well what it means to be those forever friends. I know there are people I can call up no matter when and say hey my life just hit another black whole help, and they will do what they can.
So as this milestone passes I wonder if this black whole that surrounds my life now will ever get smaller, some days it feels like it is just the size of a ball and I can just toss it around between my hands and look into it and say I can do this. My kids are adjusting to this life, some better than others, I am thinking about what is the next step, Then I go to bed and am plagued by the nightmares, or I wake up and go out to the world, and that day seems filled with people who need to know every detail of why I am a single mom of five kids. Or I need to go see a doctor that day that wants to know how I am doing, or I want to do something I have done a 100 times in the past and for some reason I can't remember the simple task. To break down in tears over the fact that I can't remember how to knit, I was so grateful my mom and my daughter were there or I might have just thrown the whole thing away.
Then I think about when Kevin passed, it never hurt this much. I am sure it hurt my mom and dad so much more, but for me it was so much easier to think about the things I had in my life to keep living for. I think I cheated, or maybe God cheated for me, he had my blessing of Devon. I know Devon keep me from not eating, and from not sleeping, and something to look forward to. All I look forward to know is seeing my babies that I raised with my husband getting older, hitting milestones that we where so excited to see together. I am excited about them don't get me wrong, watching one graduate into high school this last year was awesome. Seeing grand-babies be born is such a blessing I can't even describe.
I am so tired of this not getting easier, better, something. I know I am healing I am just sick of this 1 step forward three steps back thing. I am stronger, I am living. These are the milestones I will take for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment