Shawn and I use to have a joke, morbid or inappropriate it may be but it was what we would say to each other after a fight when we would decide we where meant to be together. He would look at me and say I can't imagine my life without you and I would say the same, and then we would chuckle and say something like besides you can't afford to support me, and he would then laugh. Then I would say besides who would want to be with a woman with five kids. Then we would both chuckle and just say I guess we are stuck with each other. I miss those friendly banters that where just our personalities. There was no malice or ill will during these things, it was just our way of saying yeah I love you and I am happy spending the rest of what ever time I have left on this earth with you.
It was pointed out to me that my kids can be such a hot mess. For so many reasons, the main one I think is cause what a time to lose their father, it had to be when most of them where in some form of puberty. It makes for such a hurricane of emotions anyway but to add that fuel to the fire. I don't want to be here sometimes. There is no talking to them when they are just in a mood, I remember those days when I felt like no one understood the emotions I was going through. Besides Shawn cheated he was suppose to do puberty, I did diapers.
I realize over the ups and downs and all the turmoil I have gone through in the last 9 months or so I have allowed them this sense of entitlement. I guess it was always there because Shawn and I wanted them to feel they where entitled to more than what we had growing up. We wanted them to feel stable in a two parent home, where one of us was always there to help them out when they needed. That meant we both sacrificed things we wanted but we decided to have these kids we wanted them to not ever feel the things we felt as kids. We never wanted them to fear that we abandoned them for someone else, that they weren't the most important things in our lives. Yes we made mistakes like everyone does, and in losing Shawn I have probably allowed them to have a chip on their shoulder right now that other kids their age don't have. One that says I don't know how to say I am grieving so I will act entitled instead.
However even though they have this side of them I can't reach I also see something amazing coming out of them. My oldest has realized that family means more to him that he ever realized, and that we all have his back. That even though he may not be making the choices I would want out of my 19 year old had all this not happened he is processing and he is learning to dig deep and find out what life is about. He is starting to express emotions in a healthy way.
Then there is the 16 year old, he was born with ADHD, and I have learned so much about this disease. It is going to be a life long struggle for him, but I have never let it handicap him. However I have been able to let him come out of his shell and learn about himself and learn how to handle the disease. Yeah we have good days and bad days, but for the last three months he has been med free, and he is able to handle that which is amazing for him. He talks to me now about how he is feeling instead of just living in fear that his next mistake is going to get him in more trouble, and wow he has grown from this boy into a young man overnight. In the last six months he has become taller than I, had his first girlfriend and found out that all woman have there level of crazy.
Then there is the 13 year old, and for her I think it is the hardest in so many ways. Her body hit puberty at such a young age. She rocks the body of someone much older, and the poor doll has already had the joys of womanhood hit her. So not only does she have to deal with being one of the youngest in her class to be a full on woman but she lost her dad, and she was such a daddy's girl. I feel for her because even though the others punished her for being daddy's girl it wasn't like she made him make that choice. However the others I think are finally starting to see how much she is suffering because she is not sure her place in life right now. She lost her anchor, the thing that guided her on her rights and wrongs. She hates when I have to put her in her place, I am not sure if it is because she thinks I don't understand what she is going through, or if she thinks I am just being mean, or if she is just testing me. However when it is all said and done we have a new respect for each other. I pity the fool who marries her.
Well one twin I think nothing phases her until it does, and then it is like a blip on the radar and then gone. I have had people compare me to her. That I am her in 30 years. I hope so. She makes everyone want to be a better person.
The other well the other is not sure how she is suppose to feel. She misses her dad and she is so strong willed. I admit she likes to see how far she can manipulate her twin before she gets what she wants, but I think that is their special bond. And both of them are starting to develop too which I swear I think is almost to much for me. However I did have my therapist point out to me I would rather have strong willed independent thinkers than meek children who needed me to do everything for them.
So yes I get frustrated that I still have to ask them to contribute to the household. However I also enjoy the days that the house is trashed and we all sit around listening to some music and working on a puzzle as a family. Or go in a car ride somewhere and there is like six conversations going on, and none of them are fighting just talking about anything and everything. So yeah I may be 37 with five kids, but I wouldn't have it any other way. That is my entitlement.
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