So one of the toughest firsts has come and gone. I am not sure how all of us made it through without going into hysterical sobbing fits or anger outbursts of why and how comes. We did have moments of screaming at each other because the person we wanted to scream at the most was not here but we managed as a broken group to get through it. I know we all dreaded getting up and going through his birthday like it was another day, watching the world go through yet another normal day like it was them going on with life like nothing was different for them, when all we wanted to do is shake people and say don't you get it our dad our person who led our ship would have been 40 today, we should be celebrating his life and what he did over the last 40 years not morning what today should have been. We wanted to have a huge party and share stories of how goofy he was and how old he was getting but instead we get to take flowers to yet a still unmarked grave cause of government bureaucracy on working at getting his headstone up there and think about all the should of and could of. However we got to do it as a family, all six of us.
Even though we where sad we did mark off the morning with a few good jokes and what the day would have been like. That it would have been a good ole party that might have had our finest called down cause of the ruckus Shawn probably would have caused after hours on a weeknight and, we probably would have managed to convince Redmond's finest that we where responsible people just having a good ole fashion birthday celebration.
The day was compounded by the fact that I didn't have my mom by my side, her and I have not been talking, which I don't wish to talk about on here but she and I have decided for now to go our separate ways. So I feel as if not only have I lost Shawn in the last nine months but her as well so the walk up to his grave was compounded by the fact I didn't have her to hold my hand. Yes my children where there but her love and just being my mommy has gotten me through some of my darkest days. However I still cling to the hope that her and I can find peace some day. If I give up on hope what do I have left.
I did learn a very valuable lesson on mother's day this year though. That I can sit there and think about all I have lost and will never have again, or be appreciative about the things that I have in my life. My children have made every day since Shawn passed worth living, even on those hard days where I have to make hard choices and where I think I have no answers that they are here supporting me through it all. Also I have Alson who just loves me like they do ups down and inside outs. I am also learning that I don't have to have every answer right now that I can take time to think of the best choice for all of us it just may take a little longer to come to that choice.
We also had to come to a very hard choice as a family, we had to give up most of our animals. Luckily they went to a home that is able to watch them for us tell hopefully we can have them back. You see we are running out of time to stay in our home. Not that I want to stay here much longer the memories of Shawn have always been to much but when he first passed I didn't have the income to move somewhere else so trying to find a place to rent with no income was impossible. I really didn't even want to come back to the home he passed in. Then when we all got used to the memories part of us didn't want to leave those. Now we are being forced to move mainly because the landlord is pissed that she lost in the eviction case in court before Shawn died and had to put us in hotel for a week, and spend a ton of money on repairs. Then right after Christmas she tried to evict us again and didn't win or loss per say but had to agree to let us stay till after the kids got out of school.
Well that gave me time to get all my incomes straight. However in the process of getting all the benefits figured out and figuring out if I could work and still be mom my credit took a huge nose dive. So even though Alson and Devon are great rental candidates because my credit sucks, no one really is crazy about renting to me and I make the bulk share of the income. Well and the fact that I had pets even though two are considered ESA and they can't legal turn me away for having ESA (emotional support animals) they can find other reasons not to rent to me. However if I don't have any animals or say only one small ESA they are much more likely to rent to me if I have poor credit with increased deposits cause I am the one with the most income. Doesn't matter the reason my credit is so low or that I have been through a roller coaster and that my kids have been through a gut wrenching reality check property owners want it all to look amazing on paper.
I just am so done right now, I know I will dig down and pull up my boot straps and make it all work. However some days I am like wow this is what society has become. All about a credit score. What happened to humanity and empathy. What happened to the good old days that my grandpa talked about where your word and a handshake meant you would do what you said. Or giving that family that had a bunch of hard knocks a hand up not a hand out was the right thing to do. It sucks too cause I have the money now to rent what I want and pay enough to cover rent for most places around here for about six months but some arbitrary number now decides me and my kids fate. All because Shawn made a choice. When do I stop paying for that choice???
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