So as I write these I like to think of titles that make people think as well as enjoy the reading of my thoughts. First I want to talk about what my faith means to me. For many many years I was mad at God when my brother passed away, not only tragically but at such a young age. Then I tried turning to the faith that I was raised with, Catholicism and by going into their house of God I learned that I needed to realize there was a purpose in life. I think we all find different reasons to finally trust and have faith in something, be it God or whatever you feel fits you, but those help define who we are. After my brief reintroduction into Catholicism I began to realize that I could forgive God and give my path to his or her hands. In that I have found many things to test that but in the end I believe in fate and destiny played out by a higher power.
My daughter was talking to me about Dr. Seuss and some of the lessons he tried to teach in his writings and she told me this statement. That you should live life using every crayon in the box. I have really been thinking about that a lot over the last 24 hours based on things that have been going on around the world. Like today is St. Patrick's Day and I think it is the first time in years I haven't had corn beef and cabbage for dinner. I also thought about people who pass on to whatever level of existence is after this life, be it newborns or centennials, and I think wow God had them use their box of crayons differently.
I also was sharing my story with some wonderful bar partners up in Seattle while I was up there trying to figure out where my next chapter leads. One was a military spouse and had been for many a year, who just needed a break from being a mom and wife. The other was a nurse who had just recently lost her dad to cancer, was going through a divorce and was losing her mother to Alzheimer's. We sat around the bar a shared our lives, and one of the things they helped me see was God showing me my path. Yes it hasn't always been happy or easy, but when I sat there and told them how I met Shawn, that had my brother not passed we would probably have never become friends. Let alone continued to have contact with him and make him the godfather of my two boys.
Then I told them about my fateful last month of Shawn's life and how it all played out. That he asked a fellow flight medic, a brother at arms, someone who flew with and saved lives with to come out here, his goal was to see if they could both help each other with the demons of their PTSD. I was so excited I hadn't seen this friend in years, and knew of his struggles with who he was now and was hopeful that Shawn could find some peace.
However here is where the path gets interesting, for those of you who knew Shawn well, you knew he had a sixth sense about him. That he could feel when things were off. Well I don't know if my brother had that same sense, but about a week before he died he made some phone calls to people he hadn't talked to in months and to apologize to a girl he loved dearly but also hurt dearly. Also about a month before Kevin passed he made my mom and I listen to a song that he wanted played at his funeral. Anyway back to Shawn, he also had songs he wanted played at his funeral that he shared about three weeks prior. I also go back through his writing and wonder if he just knew his time was up, that he was on his last crayon. The main reason I wonder that is because when he did pass this friend whom we loved as family stayed by my side. As if Shawn knew he needed someone here to look after me. He knew how much I am afraid of being alone...yes the kids are important but he knew how much I needed a friend.
I can never thank our friend enough, he got me through the toughest week of my life by just being there as a shoulder to cry on, as a person to let me kids come too when I couldn't be a mom. Through the months of me missing Shawn this friend stayed. Eventually love has come with it too, and I have found a better friend than I had before.
When I shared all this with these random strangers at a bar in Seattle they both got chills, and looked at me and said are you sure there isn't some greater power at work. Neither of them could imagine going through what I went through but they both felt Shawn set me up for success.
As I sign off of here, remember to cherish every day with those you love. That even though it may suck some days God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. Also faith is as strong as you want to let it be, take time and think about your life and do you think it is fate or that is just a path you choose as you grow.
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