I have to thank a couple of my friends for putting things in perspective for me. One of them posted this article about the things this woman learned in her life and I think there are 50 or 55 different things that help put life in perspective sometimes. I think the one that keeps popping into my brain the last couple of days is if everyone where to dump all there problems in a pile you would be quick to grab yours back.
Recently I have been so caught up in my life I forget about the others around me suffering. I know this blog is suppose to be about my personal journey which this is in a way because it helps me realize that others have things that the battle every day as well. I also have been accused of what some may say is hero worship of Shawn. Shawn just like every vet that has actually served his or her time in this country does get my utmost respect for what they have to go through each day after their service is over.
I have seen people be so compassionate after seeing the Chris Kyle story played out on the big screen, and I am excited to see something so raw brought to the light of lack of better term civilians. I have always said this, that war isn't pretty, it even sounds ugly when you say the word....that our society has now made war such a political thing by freaking out when children or women are killed and it is blasted all over the media. These things happen in war, and had the media not been so involved since Vietnam maybe things would be different. By picking and choosing what was attacked and what wasn't so that people didn't get their panties in a ruffle it allowed the bad guys to find ways to hide. They don't care if they use innocent children to blow up a unit of friendlies, because they are horrible horrible people. I know Shawn shared this with me once that a Iraqi told him we wish you had just made this whole place a piece of glass, because now we are more in fear of what the Taliban will do if they come to our village. Many times I have heard of scenario's where the reason of the casualty was because a child, or a women, or an innocent was forced to be the sacrificial lamb.
People ask me every time they hear about my lose what happened, all I can tell them is Shawn lost the war in his mind and body. I have know many in the medical field that have served their time in the desert on many occasions, you see medics are hard to come by in the armed forces at one time so back to back tours was not uncommon. I had one friend and Cindy if you read this forgive me if I quote it wrong who was deployed 5 times over seven years. I know everyone in war sees horrible images, I have only been told a few by those close to me, but wow what a medic be it ground or flight sees that alone gives me nightmares.
I know Shawn use to joke around about the egos of flight medics and that many of them say they played god. Some say they where just doing there job to make sure the men and women came home. I know that was one of the first things Shawn told me about his career, that I had to except he was doing it till he couldn't and that if it meant he came home or someone else then I better be prepared for him to send home that someone else. Luckily for me that never happened and I got more time with him. However when it came to Shawn he did make those life and death decisions based on his own beliefs. If he knew saving a soldier that was just going to come back to the states as a vegetable he made the choice not to save those, because he didn't want to live that way and he couldn't in his mind make others. I am sure that rested heavy on his demons. I was also lucky that I only heard the stories about the bad calls that really messed with him and gave him nightmares, but I can't imagine what two years of two different wars did to him.
I know the nightmares got so bad that I had to be careful when he was sleeping because he attacked me several times without even realizing what he was doing until he did it. One time I was lucky I wore a CPAP because he would have broken my nose when he lashed out in his sleep. It got so bad that the kids were afraid to wake him up due to the fact he almost hurt them a couple of times, and I know how bad that tore at him. That he couldn't guarantee if he was going to hurt anyone as he awoke, and that we had to figure out a way to do it so that everyone was safe. I know the nightmares I suffer now, and yes I have my own PTSD that will never go away. I hope it will get better but who knows.
I know it breaks my heart that I can't look at my girls some days cause all I see is Shawn, I see his eyes, his nose, his expressions. It makes it hard cause I don't want to leave my cave and I don't want them to come in it. Just like the other day when Logan hurt herself all I could see was Shawn's eyes the day he passed. It was so hard to not be able to hold her hand as they cleaned her up and did x-rays, and such because all I could see was Shawn. These are the problems I face, but when I sit back and put them all into a perspective, I think I am lucky. I have six amazing children that know how much I love them. I have amazing friends that have helped me through this time, good, bad and everything in-between.
Writing this all down helps, even if I am the only one that takes the time to reread it in six months. Finding this new normal has taught me so much more about myself than I ever though it would. So for those of you reading this...take a moment and really think about perspective. You would be surprised what you learn about yourself when you do.
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