I have realized in the last few days again how much respect I have for single mothers. It wasn't the choice I was planning when my future was laid out before me a year ago. I know that I had problems with Shawn, but the thought of living my life without him was not something I wanted to fathom. Especially not under these circumstances. It's not like I can say wait till your father gets home and instill the fear that it use to mean. Also they are having a hard time learning that I am both the mom and the dad and what I tell them is not up for debate. It makes it hard for me too cause I know they are suffering under the same weights that I have been battling.
They don't understand that I can't go certain places still because the memories are just to much. They are trying to be supportive of me, but it isn't there job. I want them to be kids, to learn that even though bad things in life happen there is a lot of amazing experiences out there. However as I said I appreciate single mothers so much more now because they don't get days off, or sick days where they can just say hey honey do you mind doing the parent thing for a little bit so that I can just get back on my feet. When they bicker some days it just makes me want to say don't you get it, these are your family and even though they annoy you they are all you have. I would love to still have my brother around to tell him about things that I know only he would get.
Also all I want to just tell them is talk to me it helps with those bad days to be able to talk to someone yet there are days when I know that no matter how bad I want to share my feelings no one is really there to listen. Not the way I am use too. So how can I expect that out of them. Then there is the day to day stuff I miss like when I am frustrated that they messed up my prescriptions, or cause the kids think that when I ask them to do stuff that it is optional, or when the kids don't get that I am trying to give them everything I can that some days it just isn't enough. I miss my best friend, the person that just got me and just let me vent when I needed to and then moved on is no longer there.
Then there are the nightmares, that keep me from sleeping so I am just a bitch. My poor kids probably think I am going crazy with the mood swings. I can handle the physical pain of my fibro and the emotional pain of the things going on in my life, but the nightmares. They make it impossible for me to want to be awake or asleep, awake I keep reliving them, and asleep I never know what the next one will be.
I think the one that still gets me is that when the kids get mad at me cause I can't do everything. Not cause I don't want too, but cause I just can't. Also I can't give the talks to them that Shawn use to be able to. They each had a special bond with him that no matter how hard I try they don't have that with me. However I am proud of them because the core family values we have instilled are still there. That we don't keep secrets from each other, that if it is important enough to be secret then it is important enough for us to talk about as a family. So even though I am trying to be the best single mom I can be they are trying to be the best kids they can be.
I leave you all with this today...grief doesn't have a time limit so give time time.
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