As I awoke this morning it was to one of my 11 year olds bringing me coffee made special by her and the 13 year old. I briefly remember my 15 year old saying bye to me as he left for his midterms and I am so glad I got to hear his voice. You see last night was kind of crazy here, I had a meeting I needed to attend because I have finally started to find a purpose in life again which I will share later but I was amazed by the little things that happened as my night unfolded.
Anyway last night I get home and found out that there was a little issue with one of the kids that got a little out of hand because one wanted to put there hands on the other. I am very big since Shawn's passing to make sure that the kids know violence and anger do not solve problems, that if we can't talk it out calmly then they need to refocus and then we can talk once they are able. Anyway I have found with my 15 year old he doesn't come and talk to me or just let me know he is having a bad day. Even though I like to hide in my cave they all know I have an open door policy no matter the time of day. Well yesterday he was having a bad day.
I have been taking him to a therapist, which he tells me last night mom why do I have to keep going I don't feel like I need it and this therapist doesn't listen to what I want. I asked him then well what is it that he is frustrating you about, and he listed off about five things and I said okay and how many of those have I actually followed through with here in the house. He was like well really none, you told me what I need to do to make sure others don't happen, but really you are listening to me. I was like wow they are all starting to get it.
That I know all of them better than they know themselves. That even though my oldest is 19 now that I still know when he is needing a mommy hug, and when to ask my opinions cause I am not just going to tell him how stupid they are or that he needs to use his common sense. That my 15 almost 16 year old is making huge leaps and bounds coming out of his shell. That he is starting to feel comfortable about speaking up when he feels it is needed. That he isn't living in fear of when he screws up the whole house coming down on him and treating him like a piranha. That he is okay with being sensitive and that his strangeness makes him special. That my 13 year old is adorable when she is on her cycle cause she goes from bitch to nurturing, and that she is okay with the fact that she has the body of an 18 year old, but doesn't want it to define her. That when she needs to talk I know I have to push her but she eventually tells me what is bothering her. That the twins are two of the most amazing children I have seen, the way the balance each other and are there for each other even in crisis baffles my mind. These traits and more are why I love being a mom cause I see them grow into amazing individuals.
Anyway back to the 15 year old at some point in the evening before he calmed down he said I might as well just go kill myself...Well that automatically made me mad because that is not said in my house. For so many reasons, but I looked at him and said are your seriously feeling that way cause I am sorry but I will call 911 right now and put you in the hospital. However if you are just saying that to get a rise out of me then realize the story of the boy who called wolf. I will always do whatever my kids need to support them, but as I told him that statement now means something different in our home now and it is not something to be said lightly. He calmed down and looked at me and just gave me this huge hug...he was amazed that I actually listened to him. Shawn tried to understand Morgan and his disease and personality but his motto was if we punish them enough they will eventually change, so he tried the bully tactic and all it did was make my 15 year old afraid to be alive.
I asked him if he realized how much as a family we had changed. If he understood that I made mistakes too and that I wasn't fair to him as a parent because I choose to just let things go I didn't agree with because it was easier than the fight, and sometimes the fight led to more punishments. That we are all learning to live this new life which means looking back on the mistakes made by everyone. Then as he was hugging me, I looked at him and said please don't ever make that statement again unless you are serious and it is your call for help. Think about all the pain we have had to go through in these last six months.
At this point my oldest walks in the room and he and his siblings had put together a suicide watch. They had protocol such as not letting him be alone at any point until we all felt he was safe. That he could only get drinks and food provided for him. This amazed me that all without my saying a word my children all rallied together to support each other. They have done this a few times in the last six months and each time it makes me so proud of them. These little things that they don't even see themselves doing for each other because you know kids they all dislike their siblings.
Then I go back to this morning hearing my sons voice and knowing that he is going to be okay. That my girls love doing things to make my life easier. For example one of the twins snuggled with me after bringing me coffee cause she just knew I needed to have her strength. Then she left me at some point and took my phone. Well my boyfriend called and she is like mom is resting you will need to call back later unless it is urgent. They all protect me as much as I protect them.
So here I leave you all with this cute story from one of the twins. So I get up to go to the store for breakfast, and she says oh mom your boyfriend called just to say hi. Wasn't that sweet. I am like yeah it was, she said mom from now on you can only have sweet boyfriends. I said well what if I am stuck with him forever, she said mom that is fine cause he is sweet.
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